Breakdown
by abandonedbystander
Summary: I need this here, old train to breakdown. Oh, please just, let me please breakdown. - Phan. Warnings: Death and Depression. Review if you like.


**Based off the song Breakdown by Jack Johnson**

**Pairing: Phan (Danisnotonfire x Amazing Phil)**

**Rating: T**

**Warnings: Depression and Death**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the song.**

* * *

**_I hope this old train breaks down  
Then I could take a walk around  
And see what there is to see  
Time is just a melody_**

**_With all the people in the street  
Walk as fast as their feet  
Can take them  
I just roam through town_**

**_And though my window's got a view  
Where the frame I'm looking through  
Seems to have no concern for me now._**

The train creaks, softly rocking my body to and fro. To some, it may be comforting. But for me, here and now, it's nothing but a distraction. From the pain, from the tears, from the fear, I'm not sure which. Outside the window, the world keeps moving past in fast blurs. Almost as if one of it's most perfect occupants hadn't died. The clock on the wall keeps ticking, creating a soft melody I let myself get lost in. It's hands keep moving, and I see people. Too many people, some smiling and laughing, some crying and sobbing. All people I'll probably never meet. I wish this train would just stop, that time could stop, and that I could just walk off with no direction. But the train keeps moving, the world keeps spinning, and my mind keeps reflecting.

* * *

**_So for now_**

**_I need this here  
Old train to breakdown  
Oh, please just  
Let me please breakdown._**

_"I don't want this to ruin our friendship, but there's something I need to tell you. If afterwards you want me to leave, I will. I'll find a new apartment, I'll leave you alone, whatever you wan-"_

_"Phil. Just get to the point." _

_"Dan..I love you..but not in a friend way.." At those words my heart stopped. The words I've been wanting to slip past my lips for years were spoken to me. Phillip Lester loved me. "Look, I'm sorry I said anything. I'll start packing-" _

_"No." I cut him off, my voice shaking. Phil looked back at me, cocking his head to the side curiously._

_"What?" He asked, his eyebrows scrunched together in confusion. I smiled, letting a few tears slip down my cheeks as I looked up to meet his cerulean eyes._

_"I love you too."_

* * *

**_Well, this engine screams out loud  
Sayin' the beat gonna crawl westbound  
So I don't even make a sound  
'Cause it's gonna sting me when I leave this town_**

**_And all the people in the street that I'll never get to meet  
If these tracks don't bend somehow  
And I got no time that I got to get to  
Where I don't need to be, so I._**

The engine groans as the train slows, stopping to let new people aboard. It's moving west, and I don't make a sound as the conductor makes the last call for anyone boarding or getting off. The doors close, and once again the engine whirs, pulling the heap of iron forward again. This is it. I take one last glance out the window and take in the dazzling city where I once resided. It hurts to leave, but it was _our_ place. It doesn't seem right to stay here if he couldn't. So I relax as much as I can back into my seat, and watch as my memories slip away past the window.

* * *

**_I need this here  
Old train to breakdown  
Oh, please just  
Let me please breakdown_**

**_I need this here  
Old train to breakdown  
Oh, please just  
Let me please breakdown_**

**_I wanna break on down  
But I can't stop now  
Let me break on down._**

_"D-Dan! Stoppp!" Phil giggled, wriggling about underneath me. The grin on my face only grew as I continued my tickling. These were the best times, when we didn't have to deal with work and we could just have fun together. These were the times when we didn't have to hide our loving glances, where we could just be free and kiss each other without a care. As I ceased my tickling, Phil smiled up at me, his face flushed and his tongue peaking through his teeth. I smiled back, brushing his hair out of his face and gently running my thumb over his cheek. He closed his eyes softly and I quickly leant down to kiss him. This was perfect. _He_ was perfect. And I was happy._

* * *

**_But you can't stop nothing  
If you got no control  
Of the thoughts in your mind  
That you kept in, you know_**

**_You don't know nothing  
But you don't need to know  
The wisdom's in the trees  
Not the glass windows_**

**_You can't stop wishing  
If you don't let go  
The things that you find  
And you lose and you know_**

**_You keep on rolling  
Put the moment on hold  
The frame's too bright  
So put the blinds down low and._**

I release a breath I didn't know I've been holding, letting it leave my lips in a murmur. Three, four towns now, I was slowly trying to leave my past behind. But just like his lips used to follow mine, our memories seem to do the same. They wash over me in waves, and I seem to be drowning. I don't have control of my mind anymore, I don't have control over _anything_ anymore. If I did, Phil would still be here. Phil would still be able to smile. Phil wouldn't have...

Shaking my head, I try to clear my mind. Outside the window of glass, I realize I don't know as much as I thought I did. I thought it was crazy, you know, to be so _completely in love_ with someone that you'd wish yourself dead so that they could still live. Sighing, I reach over and close the blinds over the world outside. It's too bright outside without him here...

* * *

**_I need this here  
Old train to breakdown  
Oh, please just  
Let me please breakdown._**

_It was just a stupid driver, running a red light at the wrong time. An accident, that's what they had called it. They hadn't seen you or I, they had said. How couldn't they? You were so beautiful, your smile lit up the entire street. It was an amazing day, the perfect day, in fact. We had just taken a walk through the park. You had got down on one knee. Asked me to be your forever. How couldn't I accept? You were so amazing, you were my world. When I said yes, you were so giddy, you insisted on running home immediately and finally telling or fans about our love. We ran, and we were careful. Always stopping when necessary and crossing the street when it was clear. They were coming right for me, you know. It was supposed to be me. But you were _so_ stupid, Phil. You saved me. My stupid little Phillion..._

* * *

**_I need this here  
Old train to breakdown  
Oh, please just  
Let me please breakdown_**

**_I wanna break on down  
But I can't stop now._**

The train stopped. We were in the middle of nowhere. _Perfect_. I thought, slowly rising to my feet and moving toward the door. I stepped off the train and walked off, the full brush around the train slowly coming closer into view as my legs carried me. Into the brush, deeper and deeper, I travelled. And, in time, I found a small clearing with one large tree shading the area. It was here that I fell to my knees. It was here where only trees could hear my sorrow echoing about. It was here where I let my mind roam over lost memories. It was here where I broke down. _I can't stop now..._


End file.
